Photograph
by Anne Murdoch
Summary: Warning: It was Valentine's Day several years ago and I had a flashback to the only Harlequin Romance I ever read. I started writing and I ended up with something that goes by the first name of Mary. So Sue me.


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Lisa entered the hotel ballroom and scanned nervously for familiar faces. Blair and Jim should be here somewhere, dressed to the nines. The anticipation of seeing either of them in something other than casual dress made her heart beat a little faster, but even that couldn't take away the sadness that she felt.

She had first accepted the job in Cascade because her oldest sister had moved here seven years ago and Lisa missed her terribly. Cory was married and had two little boys. Lisa couldn't pass up the opportunity to be a part of their lives. But Cory had been transferred after only a few months and she had been alone again. A co-worker and friend had seen her depression and decided to fix her up on a blind date with a friend of a friend of a friend. Lisa had put up a fight, but eventually gave in. Her friend had given Lisa a picture in advance to prepare her for "this amazing guy."

The picture of Blair Sandburg had not impressed her. High forehead, eyes that seemed too close together, a five o'clock shadow and hair that was completely out of control. To Lisa, it seemed that she was about to have a blind date with a mad-scientist-in-training. As it turned out, photographs would never be able to do Blair justice. In a state of perpetual motion, his face never settled on a single expression. No camera could capture the way his blue eyes sparkled and seemed to change color as he made a new discovery or spoke about something passionately. His beauty was in his life force.

On that first blind date, when he had taken a moment from a breathless monologue to give her his rapt attention, hanging on her every word and gazing at her with pale blue eyes, she had known that she didn't stand a chance. They had become fast friends, although she still wondered sometimes what they had in common, other than a love of hanging out in the loft eating popcorn and watching rented movies.

Because she had been hurt so many times before, they took the relationship slowly, not even kissing until they had been dating for a month. Blair never pressured her, and she loved him for that.

Oh, the first kiss! He had been talking about something, she didn't even remember what, she hadn't been listening. They were standing outside a movie theatre and it had just started to drizzle, but Blair had been so wrapped up in his subject that he hadn't even noticed. Droplets of water had begun to form in his soft curls of brown hair. His eyes sparkled and danced. At that moment, lit by the glow of the street lamps, he was so beautiful it brought a lump to her throat. Impulsively she had put both hands on his face and pulled him to her in a gentle kiss. His sweet look of surprise only made her want to kiss him again and they stood in the rain, locked in a passionate embrace, until they were soaked to the bone.

It was later, when they returned to the loft to dry off, that things became complicated. They entered, giggling and playful, giddy from the effects of a first kiss and stood briefly in the doorway kissing again, caught between laughter and something more. Jim's voice had bellowed from somewhere above, instructing them to stop dripping on the wood floor. They had rolled their eyes at each other in unison, and Lisa had gone to the kitchen to retrieve some paper towels, while Blair retreated to his room to find dry clothes for both of them. She hadn't noticed as she kneeled on the floor, soaking up the puddle, that Jim had come , he was kneeling beside her, taking the paper towels from her hand, telling her that he would take care of it. His brief touch had startled her and as she looked up into his icy blue eyes, her heart racing at an unimaginable speed, she wondered when it was that she had fallen in love with him.

Jim always seemed to be there, somewhere in the background when she and Blair were together. Blair spoke of him often, and Lisa knew that he idolized his friend. They had double dated with Jim a few times, and they had spoken amiably enough, but he seemed so impenetrable behind that cool gaze. Certainly, it would have been impossible for her not to notice his physical attractiveness. A tall muscular man with a strong jaw and wonderful blue eyes. Until then, she had never met anyone who fit the definition of animal magnetism the way he did. More than once she had wondered what it would feel like to have those strong arms wrapped around her.

But somewhere along the way, she had begun to feel more for him than just an ill-defined lust. A combination of small things, barely noticed at the time, had accumulated in her until she felt that she had a sense of the kind of man he really was beneath the steel exterior. Much of it had to do with his friendship with Blair. They were such an unlikely pair, polar opposites. She wanted to know what made this cop tolerate and welcome a hyperactive anthropologist into his life. Jim was a non-verbal man, that was immediately apparent. At times he seemed to be made of stone, and Lisa wondered why Blair didn't seem to be bothered by the way he rarely showed any emotion. It took a while before she noticed that Jim expressed himself very well through touch. A small, inscrutable smile, followed by a slight swat on the arm spoke volumes to Blair, without Jim having to utter a word. There was a protectiveness there, too. One night after she and Blair had impulsively stayed all night at a foreign movie festival, they had arrived at the loft and found Jim up and pacing, angry at Blair for not letting him know where he was. Another time, she and Blair had gone to a party with some friends of Blair's and both of them had ended up completely smashed, with no cab money and on the other end of town at two in the morning. Blair had called Jim and he had come to get them, no sign of anger on his face as he helped them into the truck. He'd taken Lisa to her apartment and made sure she was safely locked in before he'd taken Blair home. Maybe that was when she had first started to fall for him. And then, that night, the night of her first kiss with Blair, kneeling on the floor and looking into Jim's eyes, she had seen a spark there. A sign that maybe he felt the same way that she did.

From that point on, she had been tied up in knots. Lisa loved them both, loved them differently, loved them deeply. Her relationship with Blair had stalled then. She was too confused to go past that first warm embrace. Work had become a chore and she found it almost impossible to concentrate. Never in her life had she felt so much for one man, let alone two. The stress of it began to show at work, as too many sleepless nights and too many wandering thoughts led her to snap at her innocent co-workers. Then, last week, a letter had come that made her decision for her.

Now, she was at the ball. Blair had asked her a month ago, and she had been so excited. Now it felt bittersweet. Her eyes scanned the throngs of people dressed in expensive gowns and tuxedos. Lisa's cobalt dress had been loaned to her by a friend and she wondered if she looked as awkward as she felt in it. Blair spotted her first, leaving a small knot of university friends to rush up to her. She caught her breath. Never one for traditional dress, Blair was wearing black slacks, a dark blue jacket, a collarless shirt and a jewel-toned silk vest patterned in all the colors of the rainbow. He must have paid attention to his hair tonight, because it hung in perfect, soft curls that gently brushed the shoulders of his jacket. Words weren't necessary for her to know that he was similarly impressed, and Blair pulled her to him in the first kiss since what seemed like lifetimes ago.

Caught up in introductions and conversations, time flew by too fast. She had wanted, no needed, to talk to Jim tonight, but he always seemed occupied. Surrounded first by a knot of men, talking about police work, and then by immaculately made up women, their lust for him no secret, who kept him occupied on the dance floor for hours.

She and Blair danced until they were exhausted. They had spent many happy days practicing for the event and when they held each other, spinning across the floor, the sound of violins in the background, she almost thought that everything would work out. But now, Blair had been pulled away by a man who was fascinated by Blair's anthropological studies and she knew he would be occupied for quite a while. Watching him talk, knowing that soon it would all be gone, Lisa felt as if she would shatter into a million pieces, littering the floor to be swept away in the morning like so much confetti. How could she go on not hearing his voice, feeling his kinetic energy in every movement, every expression, every kiss?

A hand on her shoulder brought her keenly into awareness as Jim appeared before her. He was dressed in a traditional black tuxedo and cummerbund, but seldom had she seen a man look so good in one. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned at her mischievously, the widest smile she had ever seen on him, and bowed deeply. Her gaze lit on a group of women nearby, disconcerted looks on their faces, trying to figure out who Lisa was to deserve such gallant attentions. Helpless to stop the smile that bloomed on her own face, she took the hint and curtsied demurely. He took her hand in his, stroked it briefly, then leaned in and pressed his soft lips against it. Lisa felt her heart begin to thump wildly and his eyes glanced up suddenly to meet hers, almost as if he had noticed her sudden nervousness. She felt warmth in her cheeks as she blushed. A hand took hers and led her to the dance floor, where a waltz had begun to play. This is what she had dreamed about, feeling dizzy as his strong arm encircled her and they began to dance. Soon, all thought was swept away as they spun. She felt safe in his embrace, as if nothing could touch her as long as they were here in this fantasy world. It seemed as though they had been floating, flying somewhere near the ceiling, when the music finally stopped. Breathless and flushed she looked up at Jim and saw something there. Sometimes she wondered how she could have fallen in love with two such different men, but looking into Jim's eyes now, she couldn't imagine not loving them.

Crashing down to earth, she realized that it no longer mattered. Blair was a short distance away, still chatting amiably, and Lisa led Jim out onto a balcony, shivering against the suddenly cold air. It would be easier to tell Jim, somehow. All that had ever passed between them were charged glances and occasionally a not-so-accidental touch. He took the news as if he'd been expecting it, no emotion showing on his face, although she knew by now that he was not devoid of feelings, only kept them well-hidden. As if reading her mind, Jim bent down and briefly kissed her forehead, her cheek, and then her lips, then gathered her up in his arms and held her as if trying to give her his strength. Lisa took it gratefully, knowing that this chaste embrace was the first and last.

He released her, and her gaze fell upon Blair, who had taken in the scene from the doorway, his face a mixture of anger and pain. Jim squeezed her hand gently and was gone, leaving her to an almost impossible task. As Blair realized that the scene with Jim was a good-bye, his face reflected his changing emotions. Pain became sadness, anger became fear.

Tokyo. The job was so far away, but Lisa knew that she needed the distance, the alien environment, to be able to let go. And of course, she had to let go, didn't she? It was more than not being able to choose between the two men, it was the effect that it would have if she finally did. Jim and Blair had some deep connection, deeper even than the friendship they shared. It was something unspoken, something that she had wanted to ask Blair about, but couldn't. Instinctively, she knew that it would be wrong to damage that bond, and when she'd received the job offer, she took it as a sign that it was time to go.

Lisa and Blair walked hand in hand to the water's edge, looking out at the twinkling lights of the bay in silence, trying to keep the connection just a little bit longer. Her plane left tomorrow. It would be better that way, to say her good-byes and leave quickly, before her broken heart could change her mind. Her grandmother had always told her that doing the right thing was often difficult, but would always be rewarded in the end. She hoped that was so. Lisa turned and looked at Blair's face again, trying imprint it in her mind and knowing that, like a photograph, memories would not completely capture him. His hand reached up and brushed away a tear she hadn't realized she'd shed and she saw that his own eyes were filled. They kissed. This time it felt anxious and desperate, as if they were trying to ward away the inevitable.

Morning came too soon. Farewells made by the waterside, tearful and fumbling. No promises made that would never be kept. She refused to let him take her to the airport, wanting to remember him the way he was now. His suit rumpled and damp from the rain that was beginning to fall, water on his hair like that night in front of the movie theatre. Lisa fell in love with him all over again, and then turned and walked away. ***

§Finis§

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Written 2/97

I am totally open to any comments negative or positive on this one. I debated putting it up at all, as it isn't my usual style. Way back when, though, I was encouraged to put it up, and I did get some positive feedback. At this point in my life, I'll say "It is what it is." and if it gives anyone enjoyment, then there you go. It was worth it.

Thank-you to my alpha/beta/delta/gamma readers: Daenea, Thor and of course, Tigg.


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